"Instead of relishing each moment, each year, each opportunity, each step on the journey, I'm constantly overeager to get to the next thing...I'm rarely satisfied in full with my present station...I was present for all those years of my life...and yet there was so little I could really remember, few emotions I could recall...Why? Because I'd been there, but I hadn't really been there." (Shirer, Priscilla. The Resolution for Women. Kendrick Bros., LLC 2011, pp 13, 14.)
For years I can tell you a statement like that made no sense to me. While I, of course, had down times, set backs, and frustrations, I can honestly say I lived in the moment. I woke up happy, met goals, dreamed in color, and all that jazz.
For 25 years exactly.
My how one little line can rock your world (or is it two? I can't remember - it was all DUTCH to me.. hehe ok, more on that at a later time...). From that moment on I kept setting deadlines for myself, as I tend to work best in a crunch. I was allowed to be angry while I pregnant, then I needed to move on. Then I gave myself one year to snap out of it. Well, now Olivia is almost two and I am starting to panic at the amount of time I am wasting. I really cannot picture what has happened in the lat two years. What have I done? Where have I been?
I HAVE NO IDEA!!!! SHOOOT!
Now is part of this to blame on PPD? Sure. But part of it is simply my refusal to grow up. I had PLANS, darn it! Kids were penciled in somewhere around retirement - although definitely not firm, nothing written in stone. I guess I assumed I would get that "maternal feeling" and "just know" when the time was right. But she happened.
Babies. Happen. I can stand before this...computer...and tell you confidently there is no good time to have a baby - but it is always the right time.
I spent my pregnancy angry at the world. So angry I did not have time to think about anything going wrong. Man, a LOT can go wrong. I do not need to elaborate here but whoa. Blessing much? I had a textbook pregnancy. We soared through labor and delivery.
Now I have spent two years torn and conflicted about this stunning bundle of joy who thinks I am better than toast! How did I let my own self get in the way of enjoying every minute? Instead I willed away the pregnancy, prayed to survive until her first birthday, counted down to 18 months so I could wean. And I have utterly forgotten how many birthdays I have had. (Seriously, Ray corrects me multiple times a day - I really have no idea how old I am. And seeing as my birthday lasts for all 30 days of June, it really makes that celebration awkward...). I find myself dreaming of kindergarten and college (for Miss O, not me!).
But every once in a while my heart does ache for losing all this time I have to cuddle with this little girl who thinks I am definitely just as good as toast probably. Sometimes the clouds clear and those rays of sun feel so good on my face. I am so stubborn I know if I put half the energy into loving my current life as I put into mourning my old one, I would be unstoppable.
Don't get me wrong - I am a GREAT mom. If I have to do something - even something I never asked for or planned on - I am still going to be great at it. So please don't call child services on me! :) O is thriving. I just think it is time to move to the "acceptance phase" so I can enjoy every moment. I want to soak in every kiss (although I'd prefer a less literal interpretation on O's part), absorb every hug, and delight in every laugh. O deserves it. I deserve it.
I guess I should check my birth certificate so we can clear up that mess. I swear it seems like just last week I.. well, anyway. I need to get back to that little sprite who puts me on the list right under toast! And bananas, and Mickey Mouse, and.. Oh, who am I kidding? It is an honor just to be nominated! ;)